The Logistics of the Weed-Whackers

The other day as I left the courthouse to return to my office, on the way to my car, I passed by three very agitated maintenance workers who were having a heated discussion over the logistics of completing the weed whacking duties around the courthouse and its lawns.

One worker felt that the three of them should follow the exact same pattern that they did last week because it worked well and each worker had an equal amount of ground to cover. The second worker felt that because a portion of the lawn was actually a steep hill with many trees, which required a more focused approach and more time and energy, that portion should be made into a smaller share so that everyone’s labor was equal. The third worker, who made it clear that he had seniority over the other two, felt that he should get the plum weed whacking assignment around the flowerbeds that border the base of the Court House.

As I eavesdropped on them, it occurred to me that these three men were actually engaged in an organized analysis of how to best manage the task of weed whacking the lawns of the courthouse. I was struck by how, what might appear to be a mindless routine task to most people, was for these men a task to be completed successfully and in good time. Every one has a job to do well, and given the right tools, everyone can, in fact, do her job to the best of her ability.
Like weed whacking, all tasks can be divided by time; tasks can be divided by difficulty; and tasks can be divided by seniority. Every organization, in its own way, puts a priority on how, when and by whom a task is to be completed.

In my Mediation and Collaborative Divorce practice, I create a model of fairness and efficiency that focuses on a similar task oriented approach, minus the weed-whackers. Tasks that are necessary to complete for the case are divided by specialty, difficulty and are assigned to the most qualified member of the team. For example, in almost every family one spouse or the other is primarily responsible for the family’s finances and the day-to-day management of the parties’ bills and money. Generally, that partner takes the lead approach in organizing and preparing financial information for the team's use, (which is obviously subject to review, advice and approval of the other partner.)

Tasks such as evaluating a pension, appraising real estate, structuring a parenting plan, preparing a cash-flow analysis, running spreadsheets calculating alimony and child support to maximize each party’s after-tax monthly cash flow and other divorce related matters are performed by professionals who can do the difficult tasks in which they specialize best.

The notion of “seniority”, or the song "But we’ve always done it this way,” have no place in collaborative divorce. This method of divorcing is progressive, innovative and client-driven. By allowing clients to control the logistics of their negotiations and terms of settlement, (whether “typical” or not), allows a couple to move ahead sooner. As a result, this provides them with more security and better equipped to handle their future communications and concerns.
Using a team of professionals, trained in the collaborative process, most often saves the clients' time, money and aggravation. Collaborative divorce will prevent your case from being chewed up by a week-whacker!

Buyer Beware!

How carefully do you research new products, gadgets or services before you buy them? Are you the type of consumer who checks on-line discount sites? Do you follow local retailers' sales? Are you a fanatic at coupon clipping? Do you ask everyone you know for their recommendations on a product or service provider? How much comparison shopping do you do? Are you more concerned with the price, the quality or the reputation of your purchase? Have you ever applied these practices to choosing how you should get divorced?

When I meet a prospective client, I spend considerable time in our first meeting explaining to them the alternative methods available to spouses in New Jersey for obtaining a divorce. While some have heard of "Mediation" and all have heard of "Litigation", there is a lack of consumer awareness that warrants my taking the time to educate my consumer/client.

Learn more at http://www.atlanticdivorcemediation.com/.

Collaborative Divorce Saved My Career

The Beginning of my 20-Year Journey
I have always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that being a divorce litigator was not my natural calling. While I still relish a good fight, as I’ve aged I tire more quickly when my client (or the other side) is driven by the powerful negative emotions of anger and revenge, and not sound reasoning.
For the first ten years of my law career, as a young associate, I had to handle the cases that were given to me, like it or not. Because I fell into divorce work, every day I had to manage/cajole/educate/stroke and ultimately, attempt to control my client’s behavior and expectations. This was not easy.
In 1984, I had very little authority as a young lawyer and a woman, no less. It was often difficult to tell clients how to navigate the divorce process and to survive the melee. It took many years and as well as ugly battles to develop the strength of character and the experience this job requires to actually “bring people to the other side” hopefully unscathed and still standing. It’s been quite a journey over the last twenty years.
For a long time my goal was to “win.” It didn’t matter what the client defined as a “win”, so long as I got it for them. As their legal warrior, I had exposed myself to the uglier side of the public. I had been shoved, sworn at, spit at, insulted, and almost run over by a client’s spouse. I had no choice but to develop a pretty thick skin not to personalize all the abuse and stress that accompanies being a divorce lawyer.

My Professional Shift
Finally, the day came when that thick skin and protective sense of black (lawyer) humor was no longer a sufficient shield. I could no longer ignore the fact that the family courthouse was filled with broken and bitter people. It was equally difficult to comprehend that the court system (in place to get people through a divorce) was insensitive, senseless, over extended and archaic.
I started to think about a career selling Hallmark cards. I took continuing legal education courses in Estate Planning looking to get out of divorce work. Later, I started to study Nursing Home Compliance manuals hoping for a career change. I started several small businesses that were more hobbies than money-makers. I kept searching for a way out of the trenches because I could no longer tolerate the hassle of begging for adjournments and all the other red-tape this process had to offer. I could no longer tolerate the arbitrariness of “justice” when handling a domestic violence matter. I could no longer tolerate being an advocate for a cause I couldn’t embrace or that I thought was hurtful to a child or the other spouse. As a result, some of my colleagues teased me that I lost my mojo, my fire.


The Collaborative Process – The Modern Way to Divorce
Fast forward, a hundred or more divorces later, to 2005. I took a training course in this new method called Collaborative Divorce. I became infatuated with the idea that clients could remain respectful of each other, and put their children’s needs ahead of their own while getting a divorce. I thought this was too good to be true, but the trainers swore it was possible. How could this be? Where are the swords and the Rule book?
It has taken the last five years of concentrated effort to make the shift to this modern way of getting divorced. Collaborative practice is growing around the world as people hear about its benefits and success rate. On a final note, I am a true believer and collaborative divorce practice has saved my career because it lets me use all the knowledge and skills I have developed as a divorce lawyer, but be a more humane advocate while doing so.
For a complete lesson plan on the process of a collaborative divorce visit my website at www.AltanticDivorceMediation.com.

You Can't Mediate Alone.

In these tough economic times, many prospective clients are turning to mediation to negotiate their divorce settlements because of the potential cost savings. In mediation, parties meet with a private and impartial mediator to work out the details of their divorce settlement.

A lot of folks are under the mistaken impression that a mediator who is also a family lawyer like me, will advise and make recommendations to the parties how they should settle their case. In addition, it may be assumed that I write their Property Settlement Agreement and handle the divorce court case as well.

Some prospective clients think mediation is a soup-to-nuts process that ends with a Final Judgment of Divorce. This is incorrect and, in fact, I am writing this post to try and help clients understand the process more clearly.

There are several BIG reasons why a party in mediation, as a minimum, should have an office conference with a family lawyer before starting mediation.

First Big Reason:
The role of the mediator and the attorney are not the same.
Mediators work with couples, and not with each individual spouse. Mediators do not give legal advice to each party separately. Mediators do not advocate for either party. The whole point of mediation is that the mediator stays neutral, calm and goal oriented.

An attorney who is focused on you as a client is going to advise you about the best choices you should make in order to resolve your case. Your own attorney will tell you the facts and realities of your case and will give you the right parameters for settling your case. For example, your own lawyer will tell you what your rights are and what your responsibilities are as a party.

In addition, each party needs a reality check in regards to alimony, child support and equitable distribution. A mediator will NOT provide a client with this valuable information because it’s not their job and they are struggling to stay neutral.

Second Big Reason:
Spouses who are negotiating for themselves in mediation need to know before they start the process their rights and responsibilities both individually and as a parting couple. When clients come to me to mediate, I always ask them if they have had the benefit of an office conference with a family lawyer. If not, I require them to do so.

Why? Quite frankly, because it makes my job easier. When couples come to me to mediate they are often at opposite ends of the spectrum as to what they should agree to. If neither of them has had the benefit of legal advice, they cannot come to the table to negotiate well prepared. The benefit of counsel before you mediate is that you will be negotiating from a position of knowledge. Both parties will come to the table prepared, knowledgeable and closer to an agreement than their uneducated counterparts. This allows the mediator to built a consensus between the parties in less time and with less arguments because the parties know the parameters for a reasonable settlement from their respective attorneys.

Third Big Reason:
Once the process of mediation is completed, the mediator prepares a document known as a Memorandum of Understanding. The parties do not sign this memorandum but wait until one party’s lawyer converts the Memorandum of Understanding into a formal Property Settlement Agreement which the court will accept as a final Agreement. Many clients have a difficult time understanding that the mediator does not write their final agreement. The reason Mediators do not do this is because the mediator wants to remain neutral. The Memorandum only expresses the facts of the party’s agreement, but does not include standard boilerplate language that a completed Property Settlement Agreement includes. It is so important that once the lawyer for one party writes the final Property Settlement Agreement, that each spouse has it reviewed carefully. As I said, each client needs to know exactly what the Agreement says and that the Agreement says what the client wants it to say.

Fourth Big Reason:
Once the final Property Settlement Agreement is reached , written and signed by the parties, someone has to take the final step of actually filing for divorce in the Superior Court and going to the courthouse to obtain a Final Judgment of Divorce. Most couples have an agenda between themselves as to which of them will be the “Plaintiff”. Sometimes one spouse or the other is more “at fault” and that makes them the “Defendant”. Sometimes the parties don’t really care about which spouse files for divorce and either lawyer can make the application.

Ok, let’s review.

The parties need to have legal counsel so they can begin the process of mediation intelligently. The parties need to have legal counsel so they know that the final agreement they enter into is correct and valid. Finally, the parties need a lawyer to file a Complaint for Divorce, serve the other spouse, prepare default pleadings, schedule the final hearing, prepare the Final Judgment of Divorce and go with the client to the courthouse to complete the legal part of the divorce.

Different lawyer/mediators have other ways they handle these matters, but this is my game and how I handle divorce mediation. Other mediators do not require that the parties speak to their own counsel, but I think clients without counsel are at peril. I think that this is the best way to make the right choices, move ahead and make the final decisions for your family.

Do you hear a dial tone?

My father worked for New York Telephone for 25 years. As a kid, he would use analogies to the phone company to teach life lessons. I was thinking of one last night. For example, relationships can be difficult, even more so when they are dissolving. When a relationship ends, one party or the other generally "hangs up" on the relationship.

In my divorce practice, it is rare for both spouses to be in agreement when getting divorced. Many times, one spouse seems to be further along on the emotional path of divorce than the other. Long before a divorce begins, one spouse does not receive a "dial tone" from the other. There is a shattered path when attempting to create a "good connection" which makes it next to impossible for parties to have a good conversation. Once divorce negotiations start, the spouse that has been "disconnected" for a long time, has an even harder time communicating with their soon to be former partner.

As an attorney, one of my roles is to help my client bridge this gap and find the "dial tone" to foster better communication within their family and with their spouse. This isn't easy for a lot of people to do who are burdened with anger, sadness and grief. However, there is a solution.

The Collaborative Divorce Process is particularly geared towards helping a divorcing couple work in a proactive manner when dismantling their marriage in a respectful and mutual process. This is done by incorporating a collaborative team of professionals that offer clients resources to help them move forward including divorce coaches, parenting specialists and therapists.

There are many aspects to getting a divorce that have nothing to do with money. Let the collaborative process be the answer to your "call" for help if you are facing or considering a divorce.

A Strange and Silent Sight

The other day I attended a meeting of my Strategic Planning Group in Woodbridge. During our coffee break, I made my way to the ladies room to freshen up. The meeting was in a large conference center that had very wide halls, almost ballroom size, with doors leading off to large conference and break out rooms on either side. Along the side walls were the usual tables with “convention” food- greasy cold cuts, dry rolls, odd flavored yogurts rolling around in melted ice and fruit that looked like plastic. But, I digress… The strangest thing happened when I exited the restroom and walked around the corner and entered the ballroom sized hallway. What I observed was surreal and stopped me in my tracks. First I noticed that there were only men in the hallway, quite a few of them. And, they were ALL mesmerized and speaking only into their cell phones. There had to have been twenty people walking aimlessly back and forth while totally engrossed in their individual conversations. It reminded me of a diagram from a high school science movie depicting the plight of molecules locked in a solid mass. Remember? All those individual molecules, vibrating with energy, but locked into place and bouncing off the molecule next to it, but not having any interaction with it. These guys reminded me of that. Has anyone reading this had that experience? A whole crowd of humans, in a room, not interacting on any level except avoiding walking into each other? I love my cell phone as much as anybody, but I hope I am never so self-absorbed and disconnected from the other people around me that I go into a coma like these folks did.

Atlantic Divorce Mediation & Collaborative Law Center

Law Office of Joanne S. Nadell, Esquire

44 Sycamore Avenue, Suite 3-B, Little Silver, New Jersey 07739

(732) 741-7776; Fax: (732) 741-7788

We strive to help our divorce clients resolve their differences in a calm,

non-adversarial and efficient manner.

Learn more at AtlanticDivorceMediation.com

Meeting Face to Face

I was recently reminded that when divorcing clients sit face to face, as opposed to participating in their lawyer’s letter writing campaigns, so much more can be accomplished. A face to face meeting between two parties and their respective counsel is called a “four way.” I have made a conscience shift in my law practice to break away from the old school of practicing law by engaging in the constant exchange of increasingly strident demand letters. Letters between lawyers become more and more aggressive and less and less productive as each mailing passes. My letter would demand something and inflame the other side who in turn would demand something bigger and that would inflame my client. Sooner or later, the demands become ridiculous and the real issue that needs to be addressed becomes lost in a cloud of legal rhetoric.

While the thought of sitting across the table from one’s soon-to-be ex-spouse can be difficult, I prepare my client’s by setting down an agenda ahead of time and discussing what issues in their matter are most pressing. We cannot settle an entire case in one sitting, but having the agenda and a list of priorities allows us to enter the conference room with a sense of purpose and a united front. Not knowing where the other side is coming from can be a tremendous source of stress. Therefore, before most four ways I reach out to the other lawyer to get a sense of the other parties concerns and any upcoming surprises (good or unpleasant) that I need to prepare my client for. By following this format, the case moves faster and more efficiently and ultimately costs my clients less in money and wear and tear.